I Am Who I Want to Be
by Babsfromlacrosse
Summary: Marissa finally figures it out.


I don't own the canon. If I did, we wouldn't be in this predicament.

**I Am Who I Want to Be**

The love Marissa now knew for Bianca was a surprise at first although, in retrospect, it made perfect sense. All of the qualities she had pinned her hopes of love on where wrapped up in the trademarks of Bianca. It didn't help that she saw her friend display those qualities every day — and transferred her expectations to her relationship with JR. That wasn't a bar he could ever clear. And at some point, she knew the relationship was over.

Then her relationship with Bianca began.

/1/

After several months, and after the fallout from the party at the Chandler mansion subsided, Marissa seemed to be done announcing her relationship to co-workers and acquaintances. Most of the people she was normally in contact with knew about Bianca and supported their new family dynamic. At dinner parties, a loving peck was expected and at the kid's sporting events, high-fives went alongside a genuine spousal caress.

But to newcomers, because of the way she looked, no one assumed Marissa was in a relationship with a woman. If she wanted them to know, she usually had to tell them. The first time was awkward, but the more she said it, the easier it got. And because she knew it would come up again, she kept all of those after-the-fact, I-wish-I-would-have-thought-of-that phrases to use the next time. But she still hadn't explored what it really meant to choose women over men. Or maybe it was just one woman? She hadn't thought about that either. She was busy with her new life.

It was spring break, the kids had jetted off to St. Barts to join Erica for a few days on the beach before school started again. Marissa and Bianca would have some time to themselves. But a crisis at the center in Chile had Bianca on a plane the night the kids left. They agreed Marissa would join in a day or so, but she had a few contracts to finish before she could leave town.

/2/

Marissa got ready for bed, and settled in with a biography Bianca had given to her for Christmas. She had laughed when she opened the present, knowing it would take her the better part of the year to finish. But she loved that Bianca's gifts where usually based on some off-hand comment she had made. She read for a few minutes then paused to look up and around. _This is nice_ she thought, _finally a little time to myself_. But she soon started to get antsy.

After reading the same paragraph five times, she got up and walked down the hall to the kitchen. As she passed each child's room, she touched the door and smiled. Her fingers continued to trace the wall as she entered the kitchen. She reached under the island and pulled out the tea kettle. After filling it with water she placed it on the stove. As she turned on the burner she listened as the stove made a clicking noise before the flame started. _Has the house ever been this quiet for this long? _she wondered. While Marissa waited for the kettle to warm, she reached into the cabinet and pulled down a mug. Then she walked to the pantry to grab a bag of green tea.

The continuing quiet began to ignite her thoughts. Here she was, less than a year into a new chapter in her life. Things had been so busy, so crazy, so happy. She loved it and each individual that filled it. _But how did it happen? _Her biological mother had brought her to town and through a series of events she had started practicing law — meeting JR, AJ, and Bianca along the way. All the while uncovering what was true of her past, and of Pine Valley's. It seemed like a blur with not a lot of time to take it in. _Would I have changed anything? _she thought. JR was the first mistake that popped to mind. _But then would she have AJ?_

The kettle whistled and Marissa picked it up and poured water into her mug. But she didn't walk back to the bedroom right away. Instead, she leaned against the island, thinking. There was something she couldn't put her finger on. She stood there for the better part of an hour just drinking in the past few years. _What would she have done differently? _Would she have made herself face her feelings faster? _Probably. _But then again, people get comfortable with themselves in there own time. And she might not be this sure if she had rushed it. _Have I been attracted to other women? _Finally, after the second cup of tea, she was getting sleepy and headed back to the bedroom.

/3/

The next morning, she didn't feel like she had slept a wink. But she distinctly remembered a dream. In it, she was her younger self, playing with her best friend. She remembered how beautiful her friend was. She remembered being jealous of the little boy who asked to play with them. Marissa's eyes got big and sat up, hoping to snap out of what she was on the cusp of realizing. _Was that attraction? I always just thought that boy was annoying. _She showered, dressed, made herself some coffee and a piece of toast, and headed to the office. The faster she got her work done, the quicker she could get to Bianca. Sleeping alone was overrated.

Not stopping for lunch afforded her an extra hour of work, but things weren't going as quickly as she had hoped. At 5, she realized tonight's nonstop wasn't going to happen. She was frustrated. She called Bianca to say she was changing her flight but it went right to voicemail. At 7, she stopped working and went home. She still wasn't done, but she had so much anxiety she knew she needed to exercise. She changed into her workout clothes and headed out for a jog. Since it was already dark, she would have to stick to the neighborhood sidewalks.

The jog was helping, but it brought more self-reflection. _Why where these contracts taking so long? _Sometimes she still felt like a hack at work. New procedures and laws were always a bit of a learning curve. _Am I an idiot? Why can't I get this? _She wondered if she would have become a lawyer if she hadn't lost her parents and moved to Pine Valley. She always liked the idea of being a lawyer, so probably. And as she thought about it more, she realized she actually liked the job description. This was who she was.

Home was empty, again. _Uh. _Marissa opened the fridge to see what there was to eat. This frustrated her as well. She wasn't the chef of the house. She wondered if she should start paying attention to what Bianca did in the kitchen. Maybe she would take over a few meals a week? _Probably not. _When she stood on her tip-toes she saw a container with a post-it note on top. She reached in, grabbed it, and read "Just in case. Love, me." When she opened the container she voiced an audible "yum." Bianca knew her well. She called to thank her, but it went to voicemail again. She was sure she heard Bianca call to turn on her international plan. She walked in the den and picked up the remote. A few hours later she got a text: "Still trying to clean things up. Looks like I'll be at the center a few more hours… Go to bed! I need you here tomorrow." Marissa smiled and turned off the TV and walked through the empty house to their room. She didn't try the book again. Instead, she lay in bed editing contracts until she couldn't think anymore.

/4/

The next morning, Marissa woke early and left the house without coffee in an effort to finish her deadlines as soon as possible. Optimistically, she took her carry-on and passport. The roads where empty, and quiet. _Right, more quiet, that's what I need, _she thought. _What would I do if I didn't have all the noise of my family?_ she pondered. _I'd go find them as soon as I could, _was an easy answer. Now that she knew this kind of love, if she didn't have it, she would spend the rest of her life looking for it.

/5/

_Tammy? Why does that name sound familiar? _Marissa thought. When her assistant had arrived, she mentioned Caleb called and would appreciate Marissa debriefing with a new client to see what her needs were. "Hello Ms. Tasker," the woman said as she walked in Marissa's office. She looked up to see an all-to-familiar face, the woman whose daughter had bullied Miranda for having a lesbian mother. She felt daggers leave her eyes. _I wish looks could kill_, she thought. The woman had recognized her as well.

"You're a lawyer?" "I did pass the test," Marissa answered sarcastically. "Obviously, I've chosen the wrong firm. You're definitely not qualified for an ethical debate." More daggers. "You, in an ethical battle? This should be good," Marissa smirked. This only angered her opponent. "I plan to have the admittance of children whose parents are gay banned from our christian school." She continued, "I don't believe that they're practicing true christian morals and, as a parent, I don't want my child influenced by your lifestyle."

"Wow." was all that would come out of Marissa's mouth. Then there was an uncomfortable silence. "How is your girlfriend, by the way? Or is Bianca your _partner_?" she said in what was the most condescending tone Marissa thought she had ever heard. "You know, she wasn't my partner when you accused us before, but she is now." She paused for a minute and vocalized, "hey, maybe I have you to thank for suggesting it."

The woman radiated judgement. "You know, you don't have to be in that lifestyle. There are people who can help you." "Help? Help with what?" Marissa asked. "Help you understand that what you're doing is a sin. She's lured you into this lifestyle, but it's not too late. Besides, the whole town knows her history." For the first time Marissa didn't know what to say.

"You're going to lose," Marissa finally conjured as the woman turned to leave her office. "What?" she turned around again. "I said, you're going to lose." "Why would you think that," Tammy questioned. "Because it's just become my mission to make sure of it."

/6/

"Babe, I need you to pick up the phone," Marissa was leaving a message on Bianca's voicemail again. "I need to talk to you." But before she could finish she saw Bianca was buzzing in on the other line so she switched over. "You must have known I needed you," Marissa began. "What's wrong?" said the voice on the other end. "I just had a run in with that mother who bullied Miranda at her birthday party," she said. "What? You mean Tammy what's-her-name?" "Yeah, it was awful. She came in wanting legal help to get our kids kicked out of school for having gay parents." "And she wanted your help?" Bianca was confused. "No, I mean yes, she wanted the firm's. She didn't know I worked here. I was livid Bianca. Then I told her we were together now and she suggested there was a cure." Bianca laughed. "Don't laugh! She was dismissing my relationship with you and our family." "I know sweetie, so then what happened?" Bianca tried to comfort her. "Well, for one thing, I told her I was going to make sure she didn't win." Marissa was beginning to feel more confident. "Oh really?" "Yes, Bianca, it's like she thinks people chose this. She thinks you lured me into our relationship. It doesn't work like that." This made Bianca feel like Marissa had something deeper to say. "How does it work, then?" she tried to help Marissa find the words.

"Well, I'm not sure exactly. I'm just beginning to understand it," Marissa was making a cartoon face that was lost over a phone conversation. "I was drawn to you. And if I'm being honest, I've been drawn to more women in my life than men. I fought it though. And by the time you came around I was in full denial. But you and those eyes… I never stood a chance."

Then it hit her, she didn't just love Bianca, she loved every aspect of her life. Teaching the kids what family really meant, her sex life with a woman, defending families who weren't exactly traditional. Maybe Bianca wasn't the only factor in this new life of hers. She was the biggest, sure, but she liked the other parts, too. And now that she knew it, she missed her family even more. Marissa continued, "I miss you so much Bianca. I think I miss you more because I just realized that I am who I want to be. And I want this me to be with you." "Please say you'll be here tonight," sighed Bianca. "I need to be able to touch you to respond to that."

That was just the motivation Marissa needed to finish up and head to the airport.

/7/

"I'm all done," Bianca said as they slipped into the back seat of the car. "I don't even have to go back to the center the rest of the trip." Bianca had asked the driver to give them a little privacy, so the window in between the driver and the back seat was already up. Since she first saw Bianca after security, well albeit a proper kiss, Marissa couldn't seem to let go of her partner's hand, nor could she wipe the smile off her face. Now in the car and pulling away from the airport, Bianca moved in close and placed her lips within an inch of Marissa's neck, "We have three days before we have to return to reality," she whispered in a voice that made the redhead shiver. "And I want to get back to that comment you made about wanting to be with me." As Bianca started kissing her neck, Marissa closed her eyes.

After a minute she opened them again, when she had another epiphany. With an eyebrow raised, she answered "You know, I like reality, actually." "This is reality, too, you know…" Bianca looked up and after a short pause, she smiled back. "Still, we've got three days…" Bianca joked.

/8/

"We're back" screamed three adorable voices as they jumped out of the limo. Marissa turned around from the flowers she was watering by the front door. She had been lurking around the front of the house secretly hoping to catch the first glimpse of the munchkins she missed so much. "Where's mom?" asked Miranda. "She's inside," Marissa answered as the three pummeled her in a group hug. "Did you have fun?" "Yes! We found you and mom a souvenir, too!" the littlest answered. "What'd I get?" Marissa questioned. "No you and mom have to be together when we give it to you," stated AJ. "Well, we better go find her," Marissa said as she nodded over their shoulders to Erica. She motioned for her to follow but Erica offered "no sweetie, I need to get going." After the driver placed the kids' bags in the entryway, he went back to the car and they drove away.

"Mom, Mom!" AJ shouted, looking for Bianca. Bianca looked over the banister and gave him a huge smile. "We're so glad you guys are home!" she answered back. "Well come down here, we have a surprise for you," Miranda said as she rounded the corner. Gabby and Marissa brought up the rear — they were always trying to keep up.

"Open it," AJ said as he practically jumped from the ottoman. Marissa and Bianca had sat down on the couch across from the three. They sat in such as way that there sides looked almost connected. It only personified how they felt. "It's not as small as I thought, so it's probably not sea shells?" Marissa questioned as she shook the package. AJ cocked his head and gave her a look that said _we're not telling_. Marissa began unwrapping the present which wrapping was actually a taped-up bag. "We didn't have time for real wrapping. Sorry," Miranda stated when she noticed that her mom had noticed. "What? It's perfect sweetie," Bianca said as she leaned in to see what Marissa had pulled out. It was a piece of wood bordered with sea shells. On the front the plaque read "Because two people fell in love…" Both ladies looked up to a row of smiling children. Marissa was struck with a sense of great pride. She realized they where teaching their children exactly how to love—and what love really looked like. It would be the plaque that defined their entry way; looking nothing like their style, but saying everything about their home.


End file.
